What Defines True Friendship? A Philosophical Essay
Aristotle believed that true friendship is both rare and incredibly valuable. But what exactly makes a true friend, and how is this kind of friendship different from others? Why does Aristotle think having a true friend is essential for a good life? And why does he argue that real happiness is impossible without one? Should we still use his idea of friendship as a guide today, or is it too unrealistic? If it is, should we just dismiss it? What do you think makes someone a true friend? Also, how is Aristotle’s idea of deep friendship (philia) different from or similar to Plato’s idea of love (eros)?
In his writings, Aristotle develops an ethical theory aimed at helping people live better lives. Like Socrates and Plato, he sees virtues as key to achieving a fulfilling life. However, unlike them, he does not think that deep study of science or philosophy is necessary to become virtuous. Instead, he argues that virtue comes from a mix of rational thinking, social connections, and emotional awareness. He also believes that things like friendship, honor, wealth, and pleasure all play a role in living well. To Aristotle, having good character means striving for what is truly good – ultimately leading to happiness. In his view, “living well” and “being happy” are the same thing.
Aristotle sees humans as unique among living creatures because of their ability to think and reason. Since we have this ability, we should use it wisely and develop virtues to reach happiness. But in order to do this, Aristotle says we need to control and guide our desires (eros) properly. This process starts early in life by forming good habits. However, achieving the right balance – what he calls the “golden mean” – isn’t easy. And according to Aristotle, the best way to do it is with the help of a true friend.
Aristotle takes the time to break down and explain the different kinds of friendships people have. He sorts them into three main types:
1. Friendship of Utility
This kind of friendship is based on usefulness. People stay friends because they get something out of it – help, resources, or some kind of advantage. As soon as the benefits stop, so does the friendship. No one can handle everything alone in life, so at times, we rely on others to fill in the gaps. In modern society, these kinds of relationships are everywhere.
To be fair, there’s nothing wrong with friendships of utility. No one is perfect or completely self-sufficient. Sometimes, we need someone who has skills or resources we lack. It’s easier to ask a friend or acquaintance for help rather than a stranger. But since these friendships are based on personal gain rather than emotional connection, they don’t last long. Once the usefulness fades, the bond dissolves. People in such relationships are easily replaced by others who can provide the same benefits.
2. Friendship of Pleasure
This type of friendship isn’t all that different from the first, except instead of usefulness, it’s based on enjoyment. These friendships often form in youth when people seek fun, excitement, and shared experiences. However, as people grow older, their needs and interests change. Friendships that once brought joy may no longer serve the same purpose.
For older individuals, friendships can shift from pleasure to utility. They may care less about fun and more about companionship or assistance with daily life. The same pattern applies to romantic relationships. If a relationship is built purely on physical attraction or temporary excitement, it won’t last. Unless there is a deeper bond beyond the initial pleasure, these friendships tend to fade over time.
3. Friendship of Character
This is the kind of friendship Aristotle considers the highest and most meaningful. Unlike the other two, it isn’t based on personal gain or temporary enjoyment. True friends value each other for who they are, not what they provide. They genuinely care about each other’s well-being and always want what’s best for their friend.
These friendships are rare because they require a deep connection and selflessness. True friends stay close no matter what, without expecting anything in return. According to Aristotle, what sets this type of friendship apart is the mutual goodwill between friends. While they may still help each other in practical ways, that isn’t the reason they maintain the relationship. As long as they continue to enjoy each other’s company and support each other’s growth, their friendship remains strong.
Aristotle’s classification helps us understand why some friendships last a lifetime while others fade quickly. In the end, the deepest and most fulfilling friendships are those rooted in genuine connection rather than convenience or pleasure.
Aristotle believes that a true friend is someone who helps you see things clearly, think rationally, and make choices based on virtue. This kind of friend plays a key role in shaping your character, helping you develop discipline once you’ve already built good habits. To live a meaningful and fulfilling life, Aristotle says we need to control our desires (eros), and a true friend is essential in this process.
We’ve all heard the saying, “One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel,” and we’re often told to choose our friends wisely. This advice carries a lot of truth. Once we leave the comfort and guidance of our family, we step into a world where our early social influences no longer shape us as much. Our family still matters, but their impact fades as we gain more life experience. However, we never stop being influenced by the people around us. That’s why it’s so important to surround ourselves with good friends. Aristotle emphasizes the value of having a true friend because the people in our lives shape who we become. Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly influenced by those we spend time with, and this influence affects the way we think, act, and respond to life’s challenges.
If you reflect on your own life, you’ve probably noticed how much you’ve changed over time. Our situations shift, we lose and gain friends, and our reactions evolve depending on who is around us. Every new friendship brings different influences, and whether we like it or not, we are shaped by the presence – or absence – of certain people. Aristotle recognizes this universal truth, which is why he stresses the need for one true friend – someone who remains constant despite all the changes life throws our way.
A true friend is someone who values your company and always wants the best for you. True friendship, by Aristotle’s definition, can only exist between two good people who genuinely care for each other. Because their actions are rooted in virtue, their bond is not only pleasant but also deeply beneficial. And since virtue is stable, this kind of friendship can withstand the test of time.
Bad company can easily lead people down the wrong path, and it’s far more common to find friendships based on convenience or pleasure rather than deep moral connection. That’s why true friendship is so rare and valuable. It takes time, effort, and sincerity to build and maintain such a relationship. Not everyone is capable of forming this kind of bond, and it’s not something that can be shared with just anyone. True friendship is special because it stands apart from the fleeting connections most people experience.
Beyond the basic differences between the types of friendships Aristotle describes, there are a few more things that set true friendship apart from the other two. One key reason is that bad or immoral people are incapable of forming lasting friendships. According to Aristotle, true friendship can only exist between people who are virtuous. Those who lack virtue tend to form friendships based on convenience – either for personal gain or pleasure. In contrast, true friends stay connected because they value each other, not because they expect something in return. Their friendship has no conditions or hidden motives.
Another major difference is that true friendship is not built on the need to be liked. Many friendships, especially those based on utility or pleasure, cannot tolerate inequality. They thrive on balance – whether in wealth, status, or personal traits – because these friendships focus on seeking approval rather than genuine connection. People in such relationships often enjoy being admired and flattered, as it reinforces their self-image. But this is not the case with true friends. True friendship is built on mutual respect and unconditional care. Aristotle even suggests that true friends cannot lead each other into wrongdoing, whereas those in superficial friendships often bond over bad habits or self-interest. These relationships exist purely because each person benefits in some way, making them unstable.
A true friend, on the other hand, cares more about giving love than receiving it. This is what allows friendships to thrive even when there are differences between the individuals. The idea of unconditional love and mutual desire for each other’s well-being removes any sense of inequality. Instead of competing to be better than one another, true friends engage in a healthy kind of competition – one where they push each other to grow, succeed, and become better versions of themselves. Their goal is not to win over the other but to inspire and support each other in achieving personal excellence. This shared drive for self-improvement brings them closer to the ultimate goal of happiness. Aristotle sees true friendship as an essential part of a well-lived life because only a true friend can help guide someone toward fulfillment and personal growth.
In conclusion, while Aristotle’s ideas about friendship might seem idealistic, they are not entirely unrealistic. Even in today’s world, which is vastly different from his time, the core principles he laid out still apply. The qualities that define true friendship – selflessness, support, and virtue – remain just as valuable. On a personal note, reflecting on these ideas has given me insight into my own relationships. I’ve found answers to questions I didn’t even know I had, and in a way, this perspective has brought me a sense of peace that no amount of advice from others could provide.